Sink or swim.

I always envied peoples courage in specific situations. I envy their fearlessness to new ideas, and new places. I envy their optimistic outlook towards the unfamiliar. I envy how everything seems to work out in their favor. But now, I find myself in exactly that position. I imagine myself as a pawn on a game board, and I am standing on the first block. There is so much that lies ahead of me, but I find myself very ill-prepared for the task at hand. I am only a small token, an insignificant piece of matter resting on this board. But the entire game is at my fingertips, easily within my reach. To move forward means to leave the rest behind. To leave familiarity, comfortabilty and home behind. Am I ready? Am I prepared well enough to be able to survive on my own? I'm not sure.
But sometimes, one's only transportation is a leap of faith.

Realizations and Discoveries

Short, sweet, and to the point: I think I'm in love. And I say that not out of confusion, or misguidance... I say that out of sheer awe. I'm baffled, and almost speechless at this crazy path that my life has taken me. Seven years. Seven years of growing, and learning, and leaning, and solving, and laughter, and smiles, and glances, and now...love? Wow.
God works in mysterious ways.
And though I'm elated to have awakened and stirred this part of my soul... I'm terrified to see what's behind this newly discovered door. I'm scared of being vunerable to the things out of my power. I'm scared of opening the door just to find a void, cold, empty room in front of me. And in that...emptiness... I will make my home. I will live in the aftermath of my courage, and I will live alone.
Alone.
I'm scared of being alone.
But I'm more scared of living the rest of my life... being scared.

For the days that speaking doesn't come naturally and coherently. For the times that the words on a page speak louder than an audible voice. For the moments when every detail must be dissected, analyzed, then thrown out into the universe in an attempt to grasp reality.

I think that's why I write. I can speak, and speak well. I've been very blessed with that ability. The ability to communicate with others, and put into words the feelings and emotions that tend to run rampant through the mind. The words might come out ragged and corse audibly, but flow and bend in my writing. It's a serendipitous talent that I've found hidden in myself.

This is my first blog. My goal is not for others to read it, to become and internet sensation. Frankly, I don't have a "goal" at all.

This is for myself.

I'm trying to make sense of reality. I'm trying to align all the crazy, frayed ends of my life. I'm trying to convince myself that there is a reason behind the things I do, and why I do them. I want to remind myself that I'm a better person than I seem to think I am. Maybe if I lay all my thoughts, dreams, memories, ambitions, mistakes, victories, heartbreaks, lies, excitements, disappointments and fears out like a blueprint, I could try to make sense of me.



Because right now I'm lost.